Section 1. Findings and Purpose.
The legislature finds that:
- The improper extraction and presentation of facial tissues from their dispensing boxes contributes to widespread aesthetic dissatisfaction and inefficient tissue usage.
- The techniques of "Squash" and "Fluff" have been demonstrated to optimize tissue height and accessibility, enhancing both visual appeal and user experience.
- A standardized approach to facial tissue presentation will promote societal harmony and efficient resource management.
- The State has a vested interest in ensuring the consistent and pleasing presentation of facial tissues in public and private spaces.
Therefore, it is the purpose of this Act to establish a mandatory curriculum for the "Squash and Fluff" method of facial tissue manipulation, ensuring that all citizens possess the skills necessary for optimal tissue presentation.
Section 2. Definitions.
- "Squash": The controlled application of downward pressure to the exposed portion of a facial tissue within its dispensing box, thereby compacting the tissue and preparing it for "Fluff."
- "Fluff": The strategic application of upward and lateral pressure to the compressed tissue, resulting in a desired, aesthetically pleasing, and ergonomically optimal height.
- "Optimal Height": A tissue height emanating from the dispensing box, as determined by the Commissioner of Tissue Presentation Standards, to be between 2.5 Inches and 3.5 inches (63 mm to 89 mm) above box opening.
- "Dispensing Box": Any commercially available container designed for the storage and dispensing of facial tissues.
- "Commissioner": The Commissioner of Tissue Presentation Standards, established pursuant to this Act.
Section 3. Mandatory Tissue Presentation Education.
- All citizens shall complete a certified "Squash and Fluff" course, as approved by the Commissioner.
- The Department of Education shall incorporate the "Squash and Fluff" curriculum into existing educational programs and shall provide accessible community courses for adult citizens.
- The Commissioner shall create and distribute educational materials, including instructional videos and printed guides, detailing the proper techniques for "Squash" and "Fluff."
Section 4. Enforcement and Penalties.
- The Commissioner shall be authorized to conduct random tissue presentation inspections in public spaces, including but not limited to offices, restaurants, and public restrooms.
- Any citizen found to be in non-compliance with the "Optimal Height" standard may be issued a warning and required to attend a remedial "Squash and Fluff" course.
- Repeated violations may result in fines, as determined by the Commissioner.
- Businesses and institutions that consistently fail to provide properly "Squashed and Fluffed" tissues may be subject to fines and other penalties, as determined by the Commissioner.
Section 5. Establishment of the Commissioner of Tissue Presentation Standards.
- The Governor shall appoint a Commissioner of Tissue Presentation Standards, subject to the advice and consent of the Senate.
- The Commissioner shall be responsible for:
- Developing and maintaining the "Squash and Fluff" curriculum.
- Certifying instructors.
- Conducting inspections.
- Enforcing this Act.
- Determining the "Optimal Height" of the tissues.
- Creating and maintaining a website dedicated to tissue presentation standards.
Section 6. Effective Date.
- This Act shall take effect one year from the date of its enactment, allowing sufficient time for the establishment of the Commissioner's office and the development of educational materials.